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The Pen

For Steve.

and Tami because she wanted me to share…

 

    I held the pen in my left hand.

    The hard polish of the stainless steel pressed against the callous on my middle finger. The pen, a gift from my youngest son, was suppose to survive extreme environments. According to David, it could withstand over two hundred degree heat and the ink wouldn’t evaporate. Also it would work at crushing sea depth or even in outer space.

    It was the pens of all pens and when David presented it to me , all I could do was smile and accept it. I couldn’t, or wouldn’t tell my son, the one person who still believed my stupid dreams, the truth.

    I couldn’t write.

    Not a damn thing.

    It seemed some time after the last unwanted novel, and before I started on the new one, a horrible feeling descended on my chest.

    Much like a fish gasping for water in the air, I foundered against the blank page.

    Nothing worked. Not taking a break; it lasted six months without a single word. No forcing myself to the page; only worked a day and then I developed a terrible rash.

    I attempted to write notes and letters from the characters in the story, but every word, regardless of their intent, only emerged as gibberish. No one, no one, not even I, could understand the garbage piled on the page.

    I tried to talk to Marta, my wife, about it. The flush of shame colored my cheeks when I spoke to her hushed tones about the problem. But she didn’t’ understand and only said, "How is that possible? You are always thinking of something new." Then turned away from me to keep tossing the salad.

    The sickly fear fluttered like a caged bird for weeks before I dared to really give it a name.

    Writer’s block.

    Of course, I had confronted this before. I wasn’t a novice new to path. Obstacles always thrust themselves without warning and often severing toes and fingers in the process.

    I used to be an expert surgeon. However this time, when the wall slammed upwards from my dirt trail, it sliced me in half, leaving my remains on either side as a quivering, whimpering mass.

    I kept it secret. Tried to sew myself back together, but nothing seemed to stick.

    David noticed the difference when he came to visit last week. "What is the new book going to be about, Dad?" He asked, eagerness real and bright in his voice. Sincerity sparkled around his face and he picked up the latest unpublished manuscript littering the desk.

    "The publishing companies are so idiotic not to see how awesome these series is," David looks through the pages, and misses the shuttering panic on the my face.

    I tried to change the subject, but David pressed on, wanting to know details of the upcoming addition to the story.

    Flem threaten to choke me, but I told David just vague information I had planned to write before the chaos.

    Then today David came into the kitchen, and gave me the pen in a silver box with a blue ribbon.

    "I got you this, supposedly the astronauts use them." He gave me a slight smile, " You know so you can get in the mood. Writing about spaceships with a pen that can go into space."

    I tried not to tear up, but it was hard and David placed a hand on my shoulder, "Dad, just write. I don’t care if it a grocery list. I will be here ready to read it when it is done."

    Then he walked away, calling out to his mother and making some crack about the latest dish she had made.

    I held the pen in his left hand.

    It felt cool and sleek under my fingers. Definitely not something he would buy for himself. It felt heavy.

    David saw me staring down at it and the table, transfixed. Without a word he walked to the junk drawer and pulled out a long piece of lined paper . Painted roses spilled down the side and the title "Things to Do" glared on the top.

    He placed it directly under my nose and pushed my hand down on the page.

    "I don’t know what to write." I said. Knowing my eyes now resembled a deer suck in a headlight.

    "Write that, "he said with another smile. Who was the kid here? I wondered.

    He stood next to me, expectantly.

    "Honestly, this is ridiculous."

    He crossed his arms and gave my hand, the pen and the page a pointed look.

    I let out a shuddered breath, and placed the tip the page.

    The ink hummed.

    I wrote the words, "I don’t know…"

    And my hand took off…

Posted in Fiction.


750 Words…Do You Have What it Takes?

 

 Badges, Baby! (750 Words) by randomcuriosity.

Love adorable badges?  Do detailed stats make you purr?  Do you feel a small rush of joy when you receive a checkmark?

If you remotely answered yes to these questions and you want to get into the habit of writing, 750words.com might be just the site for you!

*Cue infomercial music*

*Disco ball twirls under the spotlight*

*Bre struts in with a sequins suit and a top hat*

What is 750words? You may ask yourself.  Or you may be avoiding blindness-remember don’t stare directly at me. 

750words is literally 750 words. 

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Yes, you may now gasp.

Everyone back on board?  Good.

After the initial sign up, you will now have a private space on the interwebs to wax sonnets or really bad love letters.  The site is completely free.  That is right.  Free, as in nada, zippo and zero bucks. 

You may say to yourself, “Well if it is free then it must suck, right?”  Oh contraire mon frere, this site is chock full of geeky goodness.  Before we get into all that, let me tell you what 750words is not.

  • It is not a blog
    • No one can see what you wrote.  Ever. 
  • Structured
    • You can write anything you want.  If you want to spend your 750 words writing your itinerary for your vacation. Go at it.  Writing a short story about your bulldog?  Have fun.  Want the word “ME” write 750 times, go forth (but really what is the point).
    • There is no specific format to follow or requirements. Only thing you need to do is reach 750 words.

Now for some great info on what 750words.com does offer.  I suggest you sit down for the upcoming bullet point list (love me some bullet points).

  • 750 words
    • Yep. Just that.  Below is a screen shot of a page.  See all that blank space?  It is begging you to fill it with words.  The work page, includes the date, the massive blank page and a running count of how many words you have completed.  When you reach 750 words, the site automatically saves your work.  If you are like me, and some of your work gets eaten, then force save it by using the ctrl+s keys.  When you complete the day, a handy-dandy box will fill the green boxes you see on top.image
  • The Green Boxes-They call me.
    • No they aren’t “Precious”, but they can serve the same function.  Each box on the top of your page represents a day.  As you start to get a streak  the boxes fill out with lovely X’s.  X are the new gold star, people.  Get with the program.
  • Badges, we DO need stinky badges.
    • Remember those cute badges on the top of the post?  You earn those.  Unlike that poor sucker from The Red Badge of Courage, you actually want this.  Like a cupcake with sprinkle.  Trust me.
  • Stats make my Geek squeal.
    • If you saw me in person, you wouldn’t know I was such a huge geek.  Unless you caught me salivating over my stats page after completing my words.  There is something utterly sexy knowing how fast I wrote my words, the length of time and what my most common words used were.imageimage image
  • You Can’t Cheat
    • They are not rollover minutes.  That is right people.  To get credit for your 750 words, you have to write them EVERYDAY.  Just because you wrote 850 words one day and 650 words the other, does not mean you will get credit for both days-only one.  Remember, you have to write at least 750 each day.
  • Streaks-No Rest for the Weary
    • Streaks are the guy who keeps adding flaming touches, your steak will continue until you let them fall.  Meaning as soon as you miss a day, regardless if you had a 100+ day streak or 5, you return to an egg and start all over again.
  • Email Reminders
    • Buster-the creator of the site, will send you a reminder to write each day if you so wish.
  • Monthly Challenges
    • If you are an idiot like me-I mean brave-then you can sign up for the monthly challenge.
    • Basically you have to write 750 each day for a whole month.  What do you get for this?
      • An awesome horse badge and your name in the Wall of Awesome
      • Don’t complete it and your name gets smeared, like mine, in the Wall of Shame

Is it worth it?

Hell yes!  I have been using the site for about two weeks now and have gotten more writing done in the last two weeks than I have done in the last four months.   Winner in my book!  Even if my name is now glowing on the Wall of Shame… If you don’t believe my glowing endorsement, check out Tami’s review.

 

Go now and check 750words.com out!

Posted in To Write or Not to Write, Writing Tools.


Towel and Weed: Saucy Prompt

OOO MY!  Two prompts in two days.  I think somewhere a kitten has been stuck down because of my blasphemy.  A moment of silence please.

>>>>>

In deference to all the innocent kittens in the world, I endeavor to ensure completing assignments does not incur death!  Here some flash fiction for the last Saucy Wenches prompt: Towel and Weed.

 

She smacked the unoffending weed and watched it straightened back to its original position, unfazed by her anger.

"Stupid," she muttered, and swiped it again.  When it return, she swore it give a slight swish to its base as if saying, "Go ahead, do it again. I can take it."

Frustrated, she grabbed the towel next to her and rose from the ground.  So much for that brilliant idea, she thought.  And looked down again at the weed.

"You are suppose to be a tulip, damn it!" 

The weed said nothing, but again it gave her a shake.

Her eyes narrowed and she seriously contemplated ripping it out of the ground out of spite, but her grandmother’s voice stopped her, "Everything we form is alive.  Life is sacred and you must protect that life.  You can never destroy what you have created."

"Fine." She sneered at the failed spell and turned to walk back into the house.

Something akin to faint bells or a child’s laugh floated on the air behind her, mocking her as she entered the back porch.

She let the screen door slam in response.

Posted in Fiction, Podcast, Saucy Prompts.


Chilled-Flash Fiction

Thanks to Tami and Iris for reminding me about the Deadline Dame’s prompt.  I am all proud of myself.  I actually wrote a prompt within the deadline!

Enjoy Chilled.

Posted in Fiction.


Twenty Ways a Child Has Changed My Life

Hi all!  It has been only two months since the last post! :P   Hope this post actually falls into someone’s feed reader.

I have missed you all and during the last three months, major changes have occurred.  Not only dealing with the obvious,”how can I love another human as much as I love this munchkin,” but also with unexpected results.  Such as those listed below.

  1. Becoming a morning person.  Now don’t misunderstand.  I prefer the night.  I long to be able to stay up beyond 11pm.  But these days it isn’t even remotely possible.  When the kid passes out, I quickly follow since he is only sleeping about 4-5 hours at a stretch. 
  2. Actually speaking in the mornings.  Prior to the kid, I was famous at work for not speaking to anyone before 10am.
  3. Starting work at 7am.  I think I gave my co-worker a heart attack last week when she walked into work at 7:30 and I was already there with coffee in hand.  I used to stumble in around 9 prior to my maternity leave.
  4. I cook breakfast and make lunch for myself and hubby.  Luis is still recovering from this new development.  His awe-stuck voice lingers in my head, “We should have had him years ago.  I have never had it this good.” I laughed and tried not to throw the hot pan at his face.
  5. I wear makeup.  Dark circles must be covered and then if I cover them, then I need to add some color because then I look like a corpse. 
  6. I clean the house.  All the damn time now, it seems.
  7. A smile can cure exhaustion.  Proven.  The kid had done it to me at 4 am with my head pounding and eyes drooping.  One big smile and I become an idiot.
  8. Spending time with munchkin and hubby is better than a night out. I had more fun watching the boys play together or just hanging out than anytime in recent memory.
  9. My husband rocks.  The man changes diapers, calms wails and can make bottles. Keep your Gerard Butlers, I wouldn’t trade my Babe for anyone.
  10. My grandmother rocks.  When she offered to take care of the baby, I wasn’t sure what would happen.  Thankfully, she is doing awesome and making my life a hundred times easier.  If I can’t be there to take car of him, I know of no one better for the job.
  11. The munchkin has mystical suction powers.  He draws people from everywhere to him.  People who spend years not stepping a foot into my house, have been there more these last three month, than the last ten years.
  12. I feel more like a woman.  What I mean is, the line of mother and woman is very apparent to me now and is very important to keep both of the girls happy and thriving.
  13. I am SO grateful for my mother.  Next to Luis, she has helped me deal with every scare, every question, worry and joy.  I would be lost without her.
  14. One day at a time.  If I ever got a tattoo, it would be this.  Nothing has been more true.  Especially dealing with hormones, new motherhood, adjusting to my new life and everything it comes with, all you can do is take it one step at a time and number 15.
  15. Breathe.  Take them deep and long.  Especially when everything seems to overwhelm you. 
  16. Forgive yourself.  I am not perfect.  I need to accept I will mess up and things happen.  I must not give into the desire to not fail.  I will fail and when I do I must give myself a break.  I give them to everyone else, why not to myself?  These last three months have taught me to be softer on myself. 
  17. Be grateful for your relationships.  You find yourself working and reaffirming relationships with friends and family. 
  18. Time management.  Mother’s day would roll around and Luis and I would be running around the mall just before heading to my parents house.  This year, I had everyone’s presents weeks before.  You take advantage of opportunity when you get them.  My mother offered to take care of the munchkin and I used that time to get some shopping done.  Now things are done in block of opportunity, making me more of a doer and less of a procrastinator.
  19. Quality conversations can happen with nonsense.  Trust me, “ahhh gooo” means something.  Don’t know what, but the munchkin sure seems like it. 
  20. Love.  It surrounds you, from your new child, your partner, your family and friends and you become blessed beyond measure.  Utterly amazing.

And really…how can you not love this smile?

IMG_0117

Posted in General Musings, Project Baby, This Shit is For Life.


Peanut Watch: An Update

He is here.

Let me check that sentence again.

He is here.

It has been 8 crazy, amazing days and still the reality of him hasn’t fully sunk in.

He is here and we are complete.

 

014  016

*Stares at the pictures*

I am beyond words.

*Takes in a deep breath*

I promise a more detailed account of the whole event. I am sorry it has taken me so long to write this post.  Today is the first day since we have been home I have been able to get on a computer for more than a minute. 

Main points are:

He was born on 7:49pm on Tuesday, March 16th, 2010 via C-section.  This was after 22 hours of labor (not as horrible as it sounds); after AJ refused to bring down his chin, he started to get stressed and my dilation stopped, we decided to have the surgery. 

He came into the world a healthy 7lbs 5 oz and measuring 19 3/4 inches. 

Here are a few photos:

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Baby room almost complete!  Rocker and dresser still on the way.

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Tami’s amazing pictures look fantastic in the room.  I have received comments they look better than the art that came with the theme set.

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AJ loves Rav’s blanket and it has come out to be a God’s sent, since our little man is very sensitive to the cold. 

 

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Some Daddy time.

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Eating is such hard work!

 

Thank you everyone for your kind words and thoughts through out the pregnancy and beyond.  You all have been wonderful and Luis and I are grateful to be able to share this joyous time in our lives with you.  AJ, aka Peanut, thanks you as well, with his cute yawns and little fists.

Tami and Rav, thank you again for both of your gifts, the time, care and love place into them makes them priceless.  *Huge hugs*

*A little cat-like cry fills the air*

Oh my, AJ is starting to fidget.  It is time for lunch.  Will talk to you all very soon.

*Love muffins to all*

Bre

Posted in Uncategorized.


Things I Have Learned While Being Pregnant

There are some things I really miss…

  1. Sushi
    • Do you have any idea how horrible it is to crave something you can not have while being pregnant?  No?  Well, let me just tell you, it is a total bitch almost tasting something on your tongue, longing for it and then knowing you can’t have it.  Luis has sworn to get sushi from our favorite place as soon as I come home with the baby.  I can’t freaking wait.
  2. Being able to pee normally (Skip if bodily fluids gross you out)
    • I didn’t know this when I got pregnant, but between the hormones, and the baby’s pressure on your internal organs, you suddenly have the urgency of an infant with the capacity of a eyedropper.  I kid you not.  I have lost count of all the times I have felt as if I was going to rupture something if I didn’t go to the restroom right now, only to release a couple of drops.
  3. Sleeping through the night
    • One of the biggest pieces of advice I have gotten during this whole experience has been, "Sleep now!  Enjoy it!” And while I truly appreciate it, I have to say that as soon as I became pregnant my ability to sleep normally has been seriously compromised.  I am totally aware it is going to get much worse after the baby is here.  And while I do try to enjoy the few hours of sleep I get each night, I swear my body is already tying to get me used to the upcoming trial, because I often wake up several times a night because of point #2.  So my friends, my sleep as I knew it, has been gone from my life since July of last year.  He and I had good times. 
  4. Walking without feeling like someone is stabbing my organs
    • I know nothing bad is happening, but often I walk around and suddenly feel this pressure on my pelvis making walking around a bit uncomfortable. 
  5. Being able to lift/move things without people screaming at me
    • Ugh.  I am an independent person.  See that box over there, I need it moved to the other corner.  Before, I would have moved it myself, but now if anyone catches me even touching the damn thing, shrill screams and protests are set off.  Problem is since I am trying to get things done and I want it done now, my sense of urgency isn’t transmittable.  Meaning…that box could sit in that stupid corner for weeks before the person who screamed at me finally gets off their lazy asses and moves it.  *Grumbles*
  6. Saying good-bye to heartburn/smells/chronic back pain
    • While I am aware I will still have these symptoms from time to time, after all life happens, they will not come with the same frequency as they do when one is pregnant.  I am looking forward to being able to actually store food in my fridge and eat it the next day.  Right now, as it stands, when I cook or eat something and the leftovers go in the fridge it is like I threw them out, why?  Because no matter how much I clean the damn thing, there is a smell in the fridge which seeps into the food and makes me gag.  Was not there before the baby, and I am sure will go away when the hormones all return to normal.

 

Things I have noticed while in Baby Factory Mode…

  1. Everyone tells me to “Enjoy your sleep while you can”
    • Don’t misunderstand, it doesn’t upset me in the least, I just find it curious how everyone’s one piece of advice they feel they MUST give to a new mom is… you guessed it, “Enjoy your sleep now.”  Which again, let me say, yeah I enjoy it, but honesty it is a pretty ridiculous piece of advice to give.  Why?  Here are a few reasons:
      1. You can only take the memory of the “good” sleep with you.  “Good” and “enjoyable” sleep, while great, will only last in your memory. You can’t store your “enjoyable” sleep in a jar and save it for a rainy day when the baby is quiet. 
      2. You can’t truly appreciate what you have until it is gone.  Since, human beings are idiots, you often require a before and after to really drive a point home.  Meaning, I can’t truly savor my sleep now because I haven’t gone through the troubles of a newborn and the demands they make.  Thus it is impossible for me to really appreciate and enjoy my sleep now.  Which means…
      3. We are back to point 1 and and I thinking longingly about the sleep I used to have and then I can really wish I had enjoyed it when I was able to.
  2. People are surprised that a big person can look awesome pregnant
    • This one has caused me to laugh and blink more than once.  Seems everyone has a notion that if you are pregnant you become a balloon and deformed. I know this does happen.  I have seen other women who have had a number of discomforts and issues while pregnant. Now, I can tell you, had I been thin before I got pregnant, this notion would have made more sense, since it would have been much more noticeable.  However, since I was big when I got pregnant and have only gain about 13 pounds with the pregnancy, I look only slightly different. I think people have this mind set that you need to eat like a horse and being pregnant gives you that freedom.  But honestly, I haven’t changed much of my eating habits, outside of sushi and not having caffeine, from before my pregnancy.  Also, I haven’t increased my intake by much, not because I was trying to restrict myself, but because I didn’t need it.  Also I have been very lucky regarding the edema and have not retrained water during the last 9 months.  Thus, I am not swollen at all and haven’t had any major issues or complications.
  3. I like being me
    • If there is one thing the pregnancy has taught me, is I like me.  No, correct that, I love me.  She is a pretty kick ass girl and through the last year, the pregnancy has reaffirmed my desire to be myself.  After all Peanut needs a mom who is totally okay with herself.  How is he going to be love himself if he doesn’t see it in others?   
  4. Healthy mommy
    • Outside of the diabetes, which we have under fantastic control-5.5% HbA1c, I am in perfect health.  The baby is in perfect health and my weight hasn’t made one single bit of difference. During the last year, I have tried to remain active and upbeat. When the baby is born, I will be returning to my old routine and start to train with a friend to do a walkathon later this year. Looking forward to it.  Also, I am really thinking of the Wii Fit, has anyone had any experiences with it?  Good? Bad?

Posted in General Musings, Project Baby, This Shit is For Life.


Peanut Watch: 3 Weeks Until D-day

The weekend has been a flurry of activity and a number of major items have been checked off my master “The Baby Cometh” list.

Let’s return to the list of a few weeks ago and assess our progress:

Things I have done since the last update:

  • Pre-registered at the hospital
  • Packed my hospital bag along with Peanut’s
  • Got all my paperwork in order and submitted to the HR department
  • Got a new washer
  • Got a new bed
  • Almost done with most projects at work

Things still to do:

  • Install the car seat
  • Try to organize the baby room as much as I can
  • Get a new TV for the Florida room with a stand
  • Get a swing just like the one my mom bought
  • Write out a list of people to call and numbers
  • Just wait until the big Day
  • Breathe

I really can’t believe only a mere three weeks are left!  Oh my, oh my!

Posted in Project Baby, This Shit is For Life.


Peanut Watch: 4 Weeks to D-Day

We officially received our induction date.  Seems Peanut will be making his appearance on March 16th.  We are set to go to the hospital the night of March 15th and have the full monty the next day.

Now, let us pause for a moment not just for the impact of the upcoming event, but for a total geek/literary moment.

Why is March 15th a big deal?  Leave answer in the comments and you will understand my little tidbit of geek glee. 

So as of today, we are a month away from the big day.  I have turned in my paper work to the doctor, watched Peanut jump and move all over and now have to settle in to get the last details in order.

We can hardly wait.

Posted in Project Baby, This Shit is For Life.


The Joy of Sharing Manga with Others

image

I love manga and anime, as I am sure you all know and I love sharing this wonderful world with anyone who wants to dive in.  I don’t force it on anyone, but if someone want to talk about it and wants me to give them some recommendations, I am your girl.

Recently my cousin Frankie had asked me for some reading material and after exhausting the free ebooks I had, I turned her towards fanfiction which then of course made me want to recommend manga fanfiction.  Until about a month ago, she had never read a manga in her life, as of today, she has caught up with Naruto and Bleach and is currently making eating up Rurouni Kenshin.  If you haven’t read Rurouni Kenshin and want to try a manga, I would highly recommend this one. It is one of my all time favorites and has bit of everything, great story, romance, action, angst and best of all-it is complete. 

 

Frankie started reading it a couple of weeks ago and I received this email from her just 5 minutes ago.  Warning it contains a spoiler-sort of- but it is too good not to share.

 

SPOILER (Highlight to see)

Email from Frankie to me:

I KNOW KAROU DID NOT JUST DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ARLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN?!!!

I should have felt bad, but instead I crackled and danced!  I send her a email basically tell her to keep reading but I couldn’t contain my glee.  Like Mikey, she liked it! She really liked it! And, she only got that upset because the characters mattered and the story took her. 

Welcome to the Manga camp Frankie, I am pleased as hell to have you here!

Posted in I am Turning Japanese, Manga.